self-sabotage styles

This is also known as "all or nothing thinking". You tend to put things into contrasting boxes of good or bad. It's very difficult for you to find the grey area and give reasonings to why there could be another reasoning for the situation. 

• Example: Your friend invites someone else to a concert and doesn't mention it to you. You think she hates you now and you are no longer friends. 

• Questions to ask yourself:

  • Is there a grey area I'm ignoring?​

  • Is there evidence to the contrary?

  • What is another way I can look at this situation?

You make a mountain out of a molehill. You tend to magnify every problem and turn it into a much larger event or catastrophe. Something bad might have happened, and you blow it up into an irrational event or situation that more than likely will never happen.

• Example: You get in a fight with your spouse and you think they are going to leave you.

• Questions to ask yourself: 

  • What evidence do I have to prove this right or wrong?​

  • How likely is this to happen?

  • What are other possible outcomes?

When you feel an emotion, you assume it to be true. You then create a narrative around that emotion or feeling. You assume that if you feel something, it must be true.

• Example: I don't feel good after giving that presentation. It must have been horrible.

• Questions to ask yourself: 

  • What are other possible outcomes?

  • When I remove my emotions, what are the facts?

  • Is there evidence to the contrary?

You always find a way of twisting compliments into something bad about yourself. You look at the negative parts of a situation without excepting or appreciating the good parts. You tend to look at the glass half-empty.

• Example: A colleague compliments how glowing you look today. You respond with "it's only because of my makeup". 

• Questions to ask yourself: 

  • What information am I ignoring?

  • What would I tell a friend who is experiencing this?

  • What are the positive components of the situation?

You label an individual based on one event or situation.

• Example: You didn't do well on your last exam. You think you are a failure.

• Questions to ask yourself: 

  • What evidence do I have to prove this right or wrong?​

  • What are some positive traits in myself/others?

  • How can I state this while removing the personal attacks?

You guess what other people are thinking, and assume it to be true. Although they can be positive thoughts, generally they are negative and unhelpful thoughts. You rationalize the thought without any evidence to the contrary. 

• Example: You see someone at a party you recently met. They don't approach you or even look your way. You assume they don't like you or want to talk to you.

• Questions to ask yourself: 

  • What is an alternative possibility?

  • What am I ignoring?

  • How can I test my theory?

You take one situation and assume what happened once will always occur. You tend to use words like "never" and "always". You ignore exceptions and assume a poor outcome.

• Example: It rains on your wedding day. Your first reaction is, "Of course this happens. Bad things always happen to me."

• Questions to ask yourself: 

  • What evidence do I have to prove this right or wrong?​

  • Are there past events I'm ignoring?

  • Am I putting too much importance on this single occasion?

You either put blame on yourself or others for an event that was out of your/their control.

• Example: Your boyfriend forgets your anniversary. You think he did it on purpose because you forgot to celebrate his promotion last month.

• Questions to ask yourself: 

  • What are other factors that contributed to the event?

  • What am I ignoring?

  • If someone is upset, are they upset with me or the situation? 

  • What is in my control?

When thinking and communicating in these terms, you make rules for yourself on how things ought to be. If you don't hit those standards, then you feel like a failure or guilty. When you make these rules on others, you don't take into account their feelings or priorities that caused them to make the choices they did. You base situations only from your point of view.

• Example: Your son comes home late. You're upset because he should call you if he's going to be late.

• Questions to ask yourself: 

  • Are there exceptions to the rule?

  • Am I setting unfair expectations onto others?

  • Does this person have different beliefs that are competing with my beliefs on how they should act?